Rules I live by

1. I will respect myself

2. I will avoid, like the plague, people who try to put me down

3. Whether for publication or not, I will always write.

4. I will always start a sentence with a Capital Letter; in a meaningless text, a status update on social media or an official document.

5. When it’s called for, I will spank my children for I know what happens when the rod is spared.

6. No one knows more about me than I do and so suggestions on how to live my life will be shelved. If I survived the confusion that comes with being a teenager, I think that in my thirties, it is only fair for Renee to do as Renee feels right.

7. If it doesn’t feel right, I will not do it. I will go with my conscience

8. I will never take what does not belong to me.

9. Consequently, I would never date a married man.

10. I believe that I deserve nothing short of being the only woman in a man’s life.I will therefore not share my man with another woman.

11. I will raise my children. Not the househelp, the television nor the radio. If I don’t do it, Maina Kageni and ‘The BEAT’ will step in to fill the void. I will help them to do their homework, tuck them in at night. They are my responsibility and as long as I shall live, I will always be there for them.

12. I will make what is important to my children important to me.  

13. I will not try to be a man. I will not drink beer, worse still, from a bottle. I will not smoke nor have meaningless relationships/flings.  

14. I will not be lazy as to live a slobbish lifestyle.

15. I will read, listen to music, watch movies and comedies every chance I get.

16. I will stay true to myself no matter how people perceive  me. Why struggle to be like everyone else, when I was born to be unique?

17. I will look beyond the tatters, the glitz, the glamour, the fake smiles and weaves to the person within. Everyone has a story to tell. Amazing what you see when you pull back the mask

18. I will always seek knowledge; from mama mboga, the makanga, the intellectuals and even my children . I will take each day as a learning experience, reminding myself each morning that Renee, you don’t know jack!

19. I will remember that life is difficult, it owes me nothing and the important thing is to survive.

20. I will be thankful. Each good day and every good experience will go into my memory bank. I will revisit those good days to push me through the tough ones.

21. I will remember that I am not perfect and be kind to myself when I make mistakes.

22. I will not pretend to be who I am not.

23. I will be happily married or not at all.

24. I will never apologise for who I am.

“Mum, who gave birth to me?”

We were setting the breakfast table, my dancer and I. Hailey and Heidi sat on their small plastic chairs; Hailey's is purple, Heidi's is lemon green. Should Hailey sit on the lemon green chair, or Heidi on the purple one, there will be war! The day was a saturday, the 29th of December 2012 and since each child sat on their respective chairs, there was peace. A quiet peaceful Saturday morning it was. Also Hailey's birthday.

Naturally, we started to reminiscence about the birth of both our children. Going down memory lane, we noted that both of them were born on significant years in the Kenyan Calendar; I gave birth to Hailey during the 2007 elections and I was heavy with Heidi when we had the referendum vote for the new constitution in 2010. The joker that he is, md (my dancer, gerrit?) remarked “Next year is an election year, what is wrong with this picture?!” as he caressed my tummy. Mmmmmh...what indeed?

Our talk shifted to Heidi's birth, how she turned two just the other day and yet she was gabby to no end - people always point out that she learnt to speak too soon. As we went on and on about Heidi this, Heidi that, Hailey, feeling left out, asked “And me? Mum, who gave birth to me?” and we were taken by surprise. A tilted flask that was serving tea was placed down on the table as md and I looked at each other. A non verbal agreement was made that I should take this one.

I sat down with her and explained to her the core meaning behind the title “Mother” aka ‘Mum’ or ‘Mummy!’. We had been teaching Hailey a lot about her identity; her full names-all three of them, her parent's names; mine she says quite effortlessly, her father's name she struggles with yet it is supposed to be the easier one. She knows how old she is, the name of her school and where she lives. We were therefore surprised that though she knows that I am her mother, she had no clue why I lay claim to that title! But how was she to know? Now that I think about it, I remember her telling me once “Mum, your baby has woken up” when she heard Heidi crying in bed.

“I gave birth to you, that is why you call me Mum” I told her. The clown in md could not resist looking at me with a mocking smile that said “You feel pretty good about yourself, don't you?”

I told him to cut it out before Hailey asks why he was called “Daddy” and he would have to explain his role in her existence. What would he say then, I can just imagine him struggling to find the right words; that he planted a seed in Mummy perhaps? The conversation (God forbid) would go something like:

H: A seed? Like the ones in Watermelon
(What can I say... she loves watermelon, and the watermelon seeds are the only ones she knows yet)
MD: Yes. Like the seeds in watermelon (he would lie, not knowing what else to say.) 
Maybe I’d feel sorry seeing him trying so hard? Errm...Not really.
H: So, mum ate the watermelon seeds that you gave her? (she would continue inexorably)
MD: Eeee...yes (He would struggle with a straight face)
H: But....Heidi and I also eat the watermelon seeds...will we... (Now she would be confused)
MD: That is different... Now take your tea before it gets cold! (He would end the conversation with finality)

Lets just be grateful that Hailey did not ask any further questions - That would have been a disaster! I however know that the day is coming; the questions will come and answers will be needed. Plausible answers. Ready or not.

I know its cliche, but honestly, where do the years go! I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that Hailey is five years old. She understands a lot these days. While watching news with her the other day, this woman whose household had been affected by the raging floods in December was beseeching ‘sirikal’ to come to her aid since she had nowhere to go and she did not know where her husband and children were. Hailey then asked me “Mum, why doesn’t she just come here, there is no rain here why won’t she come and stay with us?” She was very concerned. Yet just yesterday she was a little baby...

When I took her to school on opening day, we came across children who were being admitted to baby class. The day came with the usual drama of scared children (first-timers), apprehensive parents and nervous teachers. One kid was yelling, as his mother struggled to walk away. Back in 2011, Hailey did not honour me with that kind of fit. She did not shed a tear for mum. Nada. Just a simple goodbye, I love you and that was it. The transition was so smooth that I was slightly jealous of the parents whose kids refused to let go of their legs as they wailed uncontrollably.

It will be Heidi’s turn next year. Maybe she will cry. Maybe just like Hailey, she will blend in with the crowd and wonder what the other children are fussing about.Hopefully, I will be here to tell you all about it.

A year comes along and a tonne of responsibility comes with it. My calendar looks full already; Potty training for Heidi is here, extraction of milk teeth for Hailey continues - did I tell you we already extracted two? I presume the birds and the bees talk looms just around the corner for her as well?

As a parent, you never catch a break, do you?

I'm Still Standing

Just in case you were starting to wonder, yes I did make it to 2013 and I see, so did you - Congratulations!

Truth be told, I gave a sigh of relief as I bid good riddance to the year 2012. What a year it was for me! It punched me in the face, in the stomach, all over and when I tried to steady my feet, it pushed me and I found myself tumbling over, face down.

With muck on my face, I tried to get up, only to get a kick to my behind and several other kicks rained on me from all over. I was rolling in the deep (Speaking of, do you suppose Adele will make a comeback this year?). I wasn't sure how to take it because I was in unfamiliar territory and so I held out on you guys as I let this site slip. But you must understand why; Whereas I am used to rolling with the punches and hitting back, 2012 did me in. It sapped my energy and I lost the fight in me.

The straw that broke the camel’s  back came when the faces behind the punches were all too familiar. When the murmurs were not loud enough, I had a status update dedicated to me. Sweeeet!

I looked around me and wondered, what part of me gave this year the impression that I had no clue about what I was doing. I wondered if it was better to go against my unpopular beliefs. Then I saw this:

"In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark after irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible it is yours..."


So 2012 made me cry, it made me snort while at it and it weakened me big time. It made me question myself because when it stood there in front of me, intimidating me, the people I expected to find in my corner, went the other way. They exposed me and I stood there vulnerable asking myself so many questions. Some I was able to answer, others I couldn't for the life of me, find an answer. Heck, some I couldn't even understand.

As I was drowning, holding onto my last breathe, just before my lungs gave in to the asphyxiation from this toxic year, I stretched my hand out one last time, willing to clutch at anything for dear life. Thankfully, I found a pair of strong hands that pulled me out.

When I could breathe again, I looked at him – he with the strong pair of hands and asked him to help me get back on my feet again. Help me find my bearing again, I pleaded.
“It's all in you. All I can do is support you, and I am here for that no doubt. But you have to look within you for that strength you need. It is in there, so find it.”

He sounded so much like me; the 'normal' me. The 'strong' me. Here was his chance at being macho yet he let it pass, opting to give me the real deal instead. And he was right. There was no 'superman' out there to come and whisk me off my feet to a safehouse somewhere. I had to find that safe haven on my own.

With renewed strength, I looked 2012 in the eye and dared it to take me down because I wasn't going without a fight. I had every right to be here dammit. I was going to fight back with all I had. 

2012 is gone, yet I’m still standing. I live to fight another day. Another year.

I dare 2013 to hit me - give it your best shot bud. It will hurt and I can’t promise not to cry, but rest assured that I will not make it easy for you to take me down

One small request though, as you dish out the punches, allow me some laughter, joy and pleasure every once in a while. That is the only way that I can survive you. 

Happy New Year guys! I hope it will be a sail-through, but whatever happens, don't let your fire go out. You are stronger than you know. Remember that.