Thursday, September 15, 2011

Lady luck is in love with the urban Kenyan man

Urban Kenyan men are so lucky; I think the luckiest in the world. Look at the typical urban bachelor. He has a job, a car, a good house and he has money- you know what this means right? Women! Yep. Scores of women abound in his life. And not just women, but women who will take his crap and allow him to treat them as he pleases. Isn’t that something!

With every woman he meets, though he will say ‘hello’ with a handshake, his demeanor will say “You're in love with me. I'm well-off, but not into money; I'm smart, but not a know-it-all; I'm funny, I love animals (and whatever else you want me to love) but bottom line - I'm a catch. If you can wrap your head around my humongous ego, you adore me!” Most times his assumption will be absolutely correct!

Every Kenyan man can play out the above script quite impressively because they know it by heart. They have dissected the urban Kenyan woman (the hippie) and they know what sings to her heart. They know what makes them go ‘aaaah!’ and ‘aaargh!’ and so they stick to perfecting the art of churning out more of the former than the latter reactions.

These men have women trying to hold onto them like a drowning man on a straw. Set this man out and ask him to walk into any bar or whatever social gathering. Unless his breath stinks of last night’s boiled eggs and he emits a pungent smell that makes him comparable to a walking sewage system, that man will not go home alone. Even then, you can’t be sure that one or two ladies won’t take his number and call him up the next day in the hope that he would have, by some divine intervention, cleaned himself up.

Flip the coin and take a look at the urban Kenyan woman. First of all if she cannot and will not conform to being a soft whore, she is invisible. The mantra in this day and age is; he buys you drinks, and you go home with him; just like you feed coins into a vending machine and it ‘vomits’ snacks, beverages, cigarettes…whatever you choose. So if he takes you out, buys you good stuff; clothes, jewelry, even pizza (and other trendy cuisines) then he has his way with you. End of story. You don’t like it? Well, go fly a kite! Or eat glass! Or… something…

This means that the woman who is not willing to get knee-deep dirty and scramble for this man might as well disappear into oblivion and no one will notice. The soft whore is queen. All she does is wear her ‘uniform’ which is, according to Chris Rock, a pair of high heels, very short skirt, fishnet stockings, tube top, leather jacket (or not. ‘Freeze and shine’ works wonders too) not forgetting the excessive make up and overdone hair. The ‘urban law’ states that if a woman is dressed like that she is not allowed to cause physical or verbal harm to a man that approaches her with the assumption that she is ‘good to go’.

A male acquaintance, who is relatively young in age and experience, once told me “Kenyan women are so easy. If you want them to stay with you, all you have to do is impregnate them. After the baby comes she is all yours - you will treat her like shit, but she will cling to you like a tick.” I was tempted to agree with him, but asked him to be careful. “Make sure you know who you’re dealing with because not all women are the same.” He disagreed vehemently and swore that all women live to have a man by their side by all means. I had to fight the urge to pinch his cheeks and go “Coo-chi-coo! You na├»ve sweet little thing youuuu…!” in the same tone I use to persuade Heidi to eat her food.

Blanket statements aside, the truth is lady luck is always smiling at the urban man, making things work out for him. She threw him a bone recently in the name of Pastor Chris Ojigbani who claims that dating is witchcraft, ergo it is a sin. Forgive me but I do not understand why the men are not throwing a jamboree yet! Women who form part of Pastor Chris’ congregation might as well get married to this shallow, money-wielding, egoistic, chauvinistic, blinker-wearing example of an urban Kenyan man with eyes wide shut. God forbid that you should practice witchcraft! God forbid that you should take some time to date him and try to find out whether your future spouse is at least God-fearing!

Of course I give credence to the other men who look for the unadulterated woman to love and who gives all his heart to his sweetheart while ignoring the urban ‘whorish’ trend. As I applaud them I have to add that they are as few as the women who refuse to conform to this urban frivolity. Some men will try to ignore the uniform and opt instead for the ‘stuck up’ non-conforming woman who wears stockings-not on her legs but on her head- and a t-shirt to bed (beauty is skin deep anyone? No? Ok) Sometimes he succeeds in this ‘noble’ cause. Other times the uniform looks so attractive and it beckons at him obsessively. If he succumbs, his woman might still insist on sticking by him like a tick, or she could choose to pick up her dignity and head to the exit.

At the end of the day, there are more soft whores than there are good men and so however contemptible a man is, there is always a woman ready to put up with his BS. Lucky bastards!

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