She wore a pair of Jeans, and stepped into the night

Our new house help calls me ‘Mama Nelly’. The first time she called me that, I offered to tutor her on the pronunciation of my daughter’s name. So I asked her to say “HAILEY(pause) Mama HAILEY” In the manner of Bond (pause) James Bond. Then she goes “Hellen?” I correct, “Hapana. H-A-I-L-E-Y” she repeated, “HALEY” refusing to acknowledge the ‘I’. I gave up.

So she calls my girl Haley, and curiously also calls my younger one by the same name. I found it a hurdle having to start another pronunciation session of the name Heidi, and so I let her be. In her world, both my daughters go by the same name; HALEY. While I go by the name “Mama Nelly” I wonder when she will ever realize how ridiculous this is.

Since she is new, maybe she will get better with the names as days go by. There is always one challenge or another when a girl starts working in a new household. The girl we had before her did not have a problem with our names. That’s not to say she did not have a few challenges of her own.

She was fresh from the farm when I took her under my wing; young, naïve and hardworking. No phone, short hair, she wore long dresses with the hem stopping reluctantly at her ankles.

She did her chores shabbily at first; her level of cleanliness a bit wanting. I reminded her tirelessly to use soap – she seemed to be allergic to soap so much that she would rinse utensils under running water then dry them, oil and all. I never quite understood why she hated soap so much! Did they have a bad history or something?

I suspect where she came from, showering was not an everyday affair because I had to tell her to take a shower every single day. I asked her to find a milder lotion because of the baby. The one she was using had a pungent fragrance whose scent floated boldly through the whole house and welcomed everyone through the door.

I patiently taught her how to cook; how to always heat (not burn) the onions to a golden brown color, how to follow the onions with tomatoes and always cook them thoroughly until the oil separates from the tomatoes before adding the food. I tried to show her how to cook Chapatis, but after several failed attempts where they came out thick and crispy, I gave up. I henceforth got stuck with cooking chapatis.

She learnt the ropes eventually and worked considerably well. She hardly went out even on her day off neither did she interact much with other housegirls. So reserved was she that she was taken advantage of sometimes. Once she was duped to spend one thousand shillings on ill-plaited cornrows. When she told me how much she paid for them, I offered to accompany her to the salon to negotiate prices on her behalf because she was getting ripped off big time!

Each month she asked me to send part of her salary home to her mother who was helping take care of her son at home. On the second month, she bought a phone and learnt how to use it though once in a while she would mess it up by pressing buttons here and there then bringing it to me to help fix it.

A few months later, her long dresses were replaced with short skirts and trousers. Her face changed its complexion; I realized she was bleaching herself with some bleaching cream. She became keen about her appearance; she did not need to be reminded to take a shower anymore. She took her time consulting with the mirror too.

Her phone rang, in full blare, incessantly, sometimes into the night. I had to ask her on more than one occasion to watch that she doesn’t wake up the kids. Plus, her ringtones were not borrowed from Christian songs anymore. She spoke and laughed coquettishly into the phone when she answered it. She took longer to respond when I called her. She gave me ‘the look’ when I asked her to do something she did not feel like doing. Her responses were short when I phoned her during the day to ask how the kids were doing. When she went out to bring in the laundry, she took some time to chat with her newly acquired pals who once or twice were invited for a chat in our living room.

It was only a matter of time...

She waited until her salary was safely in her custody, then she did it the way men break up with women; short and heartless. She casually informed me that she was leaving the next day.

I asked how she expected me to find her replacement in…. checking my watch….what, 10 nocturnal hours? I suppose this was the part where I was expected to go fetch my magic lamp, rub it, and make a wish for a replacement to pop up pronto!

When her conscience nudged her a bit, she agreed to leave the next day in the evening and true to her word, she was at the door with her luggage waiting for my arrival when I got home from work the next day. She wore a pair of jeans, and stepped into the night.

I’m a man, I’m a Jerk!

I read a beautiful story the other day; you possibly read it too in The Daily Nation (online edition). It is about a couple who had tried for a child for what seemed like eternity. The woman had one miscarriage after another; giving birth to twins on one occasion only to lose them both, a few days or weeks later.

This is a story that one wouldn't read from start to finish and still remain dry-eyed. It tugs at your heart the way the couple sticks together through those hard times. The way the man steps in to become his wife’s pillar and strength. The way he rejects advances from his wife’s friends who try to take advantage of their misfortunes by promising to give him children, something they believe his wife cannot do because she is ‘cursed’ or something. You got to give it to some women really. How desperate can one be for a man to the extent of kicking their ‘friend’ while she is down like that? Seriously, who does that?! Only Numbskulls (Hi Caroline!) I guess…

It is a heart wrenching story that fortunately ends with a ‘happily ever after’ when the couple successfully manage to get two children after twelve failed attempts. TWELVE! That is no mean feat for any woman. For any couple.

Then I went ahead to read the comments made by the readers reacting to the article and if you still don’t know already, the comments people leave on any interesting piece always put a spin on things. Try youtube one of these days, I bet you my new pair of earrings (I’ve been buying those obsessively of late… don’t ask) that the comments could make your day.

The response to the article was beautiful. Very encouraging words to the couple but then I realized one common trend, almost all the contributors wrote in to congratulate the man for his commitment to his wife; the way he stood by her when she most needed him, the way he shielded the advances from other idiotic women, the way he is a rare species of a man etc

I am privy of the fact that in this day and age of ‘Instantaneous-panty-removing-alcohol-swigging-loose’ women, getting a good man who will turn a blind eye to all that the female fraternity has to offer is becoming increasingly difficult, needle-in-a-haystack, kind of difficult. I too, therefore, joined the voice of the masses in sincerely commending the guy for doing what he is assigned to do as a husband.

We should however be careful not to go over and above and turn this into a knighthood ceremony of sorts. A thought is lost in all this; that the guy was living up to his vows before God. Isn’t that what every couple promise each other when they stand before all and sundry to take their vows as they get married? To stick by their spouse and care for them in their time of need,  and to reject any advances from other women thus staying faithful to her till death do them part?

Eureka! I finally know why men are jerks. It is because we set the bar too low - Waaaay down there! We get into marriage expecting him to live up to his name; Jerk. We expect to be cheated on, be disrespected and mistreated, and to be abandoned when we are at our lowest. So when he does what he is supposed to do as a husband, we go into shock, our jaws drop to the ground and when we recover, we smother him with praise and knight him!

Don’t’ get me wrong, you should always appreciate what your man does for you – trust me, this gives them wings. There is nothing as disheartening as an ungrateful spouse. Being unappreciative kills the spirit. A dead spirit makes for a dead relationship, a dead marriage. So I insist that every man and woman in a relationship should learn to appreciate each other.

When you gape at a man when he thankfully proves that the male species is not entirely irredeemable (alleluia!) he might start to think that he is doing more than he should! When you act surprised that he did not cheat when he had the chance to do so and get away with it (“ I need children!” - Sounds like a perfect excuse, right? ) what message do you send to other younger men aspiring to marry someday? With all that “Oh My God! You are so superman! You are unbelievable! You are just out of this world!”  A young man somewhere reads all that and realizes that even though he has not been on his best behaviour  it’s no biggie because that is what is expected of him. It’s how men are.

More and more men will get into marriage knowing that the Jerks they are, they are expected to have multiple affairs, treat their wives with disrespect and walk away any time things get unbearable. After all, we all seem to agree that this is the normal male behaviour  The other good guy, he is the abnormal one, neh?

 Au Contraire gentlemen, it is expected of you because it is what you are called to do. Vis:  ‘For this reason, a man shall leave his family and cleave to his wife’.

 Cleave (noun) - To adhere, Cling or Stick fast. To be faithful.

#ClassDismissed!

How to 'Ex-Terminate' a looming affair

So you have done the disappearing act perfectly well and think that a relationship you wanted out of is dead and buried. Eons later, you bump into each other. She is still single, ready to mingle and dying to settle down; desperate for a relationship that will lead to marriage. She tried Pastor Chris Ojigbani’s renowned seminar, she once applied to The Daily’s lonely hearts column, and when that failed, she further went out on a limb with facebook’s ‘divas for something-or-the-other’ only for it all to fall flat on her face. But in an uber lucky twist of fate, just when she was about to give up and purchase a clowder of cats to keep her company in old age…Voila!

Like a gift from the high heavens, here you stand! The only problem is, once she was out of the picture you moved on, played the field and even convinced some nice girl to marry you. Your ring is in full view for her to see but she won’t accept that what you had is kaput. She refuses to acknowledge the fact that you married your gentle, down-to-earth sweetheart. Her? She might ask. Of all the people, you married HER? (Picture her sneering and scanning her from head to toe)

With that look, battle lines will be drawn. Her mission - to get ‘her’ man back come hell or high waters. So she will make sure you bump into each other again. And again. And again. She will casually ask to share drinks (or food) with you one evening - for old times’ sake of course. During which time she will endeavor to awaken memories of your dating years. Reminders will pop up on how the two of you were so in love. How everyone expected you to spend the rest of your lives together. How she cooked mouth-watering Chapatis for you (Is it just twitter or are men seriously obsessed with Chapatis?!)

She will dress to kill; her dress will be cut to accentuate her curves with her cleavage peeping at you mockingly and the hem falling just above her knee, and threatening to go further up. When it comes to looking good, gentlemen, EVERY woman can put up a good show. The fact that we all know what men like makes it easy; The voluptuous behind a la J-Lo, the well endowed rack a la Pamela Anderson, the long legs a la Tina Turner, ergo the hip enhancements, the skin lightening creams (and injections), the weaves, the push-up bras…It is laughable how women manage to ‘manipulate’ men.

Suffice to say, she will bring her A game to the table and she will dare you to resist all that, your marriage be damned!

Let’s face it, most men don't have it in them to fight off an overzealous Ex. Granted, fighting temptations is not one of men’s strong points. However, for the few men who know what a ring on their finger means, you will be glad to know that you can actually lose a clingy woman without enrolling in cat and mouse games, or pulling a Harry Houdini. You can thank me later.

1. Talk fondly about your wife (Your kids too if any) She cooks for you, she rocks your world, she is a great mother, etcetera. Even if she burns every meal she cooks and goes to bed in her ‘sengenge ni ng’ombe’ tee. For better or worse, remember?
2. Show off your family's pictures if you carry some in your wallet. And please carry those pictures like you do your ID. Your family is your identity after all, innit?
3. Don’t initiate anything. A hug. A kiss. A meet up. A phone call. ANYTHING. Why do you think a woman gets mad when you call yourself her boyfriend yet you don’t bother to call? It’s because we know that when you don’t call, you are not interested.
4. If you bump into her at your ‘local’, refrain from buying her drinks or any treats whatsoever. If you do so you will inadvertently turn your coincidental meeting into an impromptu date.
5. Suggest hooking her up with some nice guy you know. Then go ahead and do it! Meaning what you say will help to avoid giving her mixed signals.
6. Don’t share your marital problems with her. That is the weak link she is after and as soon as she finds it, She. Will. Milk. It. Dry.
7. Understand your weakness with the female anatomy and keep your distance. If she manages to get you all alone, all confused, all vulnerable and all in her spell, then your goose is cooked.
8. If for some reason you need to call her about something; maybe to pass your heartfelt condolences for the loss of a relative, a cat, dog, job, whatnot (I can’t think of any other valid reasons), then don’t call at night. Calls made at night have a personal tag to it and you don’t want to go personal. This means that Texting, (need I say sexting?), Chatting, are all absolute no-nos!
9. No you can’t be friends! Not if she is still hang up on you, you can’t! You will call it ‘friendship’ for so long until she starts staying up late, staring at the ceiling above her big California King bed, asking herself “What if…”
10. Cut the cord. Sever links with her. A relationship needs care to grow. Neglect it, and it wilts away. You want to let it die.

Try the above and you will irritate the hell out of her. She will be so bored of your marriage-wife-children-commitment-family yada yada that if you are lucky, she might start avoiding you.

Unless of course you don’t really want to lose her entirely. Would you prefer to keep her as a side dish maybe? A scrumptious chips funga for your dry spells? No harm in stringing her along, is there? Her much needed ego-massage comes in handy when the missus gives you grief, ey? Every man sure needs one of those, right? Yeah? Really? SHAME ON YOU for even daring to nod your head!